How Could We Loose Angel?
by Santa Fe Angel
Summary: What if Collins had died instead of Angel? This is a new story I am writing to explore what else I can do. I want constructive critisizm and whatnot please! R&R Just staying safe with the rating. Revised the first chapter.


RENT belongs to Jonathan Larson. A little sad fic, two chapters 'cause I'm too tired to pull this off in one night. Trying to expand my horizons on what I write. An idea I've seen done few times, but had thought of before hearing them, and I hope I could pull it off. Collins dies before Angel. If I do have a few more chapters, it could be on how Angel copes with it, and his healing. Constructive criticism wanted! I like the "it's sad, and I like that" or "it's cool", but I would like something thought out. I do it for you guys. Hee!

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The monitors had gone off, and it was all over. Such an unbelievable thing. Not one of the bohemians wanted to admit it, but they had all naturally assumed that Angel would be the first to go. But after that call from their small apartment… Things would never be the same. It had all seemed to be going well, after New Years, and everyone was still bright and happy. Death was not near, and there was a long time left. A lot of time to measure their lives in love and anything else possible.

-A few weeks ago-

The phone in the loft could be heard, but it was so late and sleep had crept upon those who were lucky enough to receive it at this time. Joanne and Maureen had accidentally crashed there as well; trying to sleep off what they had drank from the night of fun. It was so peaceful, and nothing seemed to have been able to destroy it. The silence and well rare peace had finally settled upon all of them.

"_Speeak"_

_The familiar answering machine had called out into this loft filled with friends. Filled with complete and total peace and love. A rare moment. But soon to be interrupted with one phone call that would change the rest of their lives, and make everything erupt into chaos. Something that could have never been prevented._

"_Please! Oh my god! Someone…"_

_Sobs could be heard from the other end. A familiar voice to all of them, a great friend._

"_Something's wrong! I called an ambulance! Pick up your fucking phone! Please…"_

_More tear stained cries for help, and sobs heard on the other end. _

"_Mark! Roger! Anyone who's there! Lov-Collins is in trouble! He's so cold!"_

_Finally, they had awakened one by one. Mimi recognized the voice of the closest friend she had ever come to know so well. She, of course woke up Roger and Mark. Drowsily getting up the Hispanic woman yawned a little and went over to the phone and picked it up. _

"_What is it Angel-chica? Calm down…"_

_Silence and then a few more soft gasps for air. She was obviously panicking. "Collins… He's… he's sick. Please! Hurry up and come over! I called the hospital… He's so cold… I can feel a pulse, but he's not moving or anything. Mimi chica please!"_

_Maureen had caught wind of the answering machine message and had awoken on her own, but with a loud start. "Something happened to Collins!" She practically screamed sitting up and waking Joanne. "What the hell is going on?" Maureen was always dramatic, and now was no acception. Plus, Collins was like a brother to her! He helped her discover who she was in this world. He was everyone's guide._

_Mimi panicked as she had realized that Maureen's cries had sent Angel over the edge. The phone was dropped and Angel's voice could be heard screaming._

"_God damnit! Hurry! He's in the bedroom! Please..!"_

_Some of the words couldn't be heard, and then a few more desperate cries._

"_Why can't I come! He's my fucking boyfriend! Why the hell would it matter that I'm a 'queer'? He's dying you asshole!" Her tone was an angry and pained one simultaneously. It was hard to tell what the heck was happening exactly. But it wasn't a good thing at all. Angel and Collins could barely stand to be away from each other when it came to just their day to day life, let alone in a critical situation like this. Moments seemed to be slipping away like water, and then…_

_It had grown quiet._

Angel wasn't able to go with Collins, and she knew it. She didn't regret it though, because there was nothing that could be changed about those events. It had all happened so fast, and her lover had to be taken care of. There was no exception to that. She wouldn't let herself feel guilty anyways. Angel was stronger then that, and knew it.

"Mimi chica… Please, could you guys come? We have to get to the hospital…" 

They had arrived there after few words were spoken when they had come over. Angel wasn't looking too well either. She was in drag when they had gotten there, and it may've been out of what little pride she had now. A longer darker skirt, and her dark fitted t-shirt as well as her bright red jacket. What make up she was wearing was sloppily put on and was tear stained. Not much effort, and just enough to leave the house. They had to try to keep up with her barking orders of them to hurry. It was obvious Collins was her main concern and nothing else. She would've broken into Benny's house and beat him down with whatever could be used if that meant her lover's safety.

-At the hospital those few weeks ago-

_Angel was by Collins bed, and it was obvious she hadn't calmed down in the least bit. Seeing him attached to all of these machines just kept on breaking her heart over and over again. Leaning over his bed she was still close to him, holding his hand gently. Tears would roll down her cheeks but she was really trying to stop them. After all, when she had to stay with her family at the hospital so many years ago they told the family many things… It was because her grandfather was dying. How you are supposed to not cry because it upsets whom you are visiting, and not to look sad. But how could Angel not look sad. This was tearing apart every thing that was in her life._

-Angel's point of view-

_How the hell? How the hell did I get here? I can't believe this is happening! This can't be happening. I was supposed to die first. How is this happening? _I couldn't smile for anyone, and I knew they everyone had wanted that. Just to see me smile for at least one moment. Mimi always told me how comforting it was to see that. How selfish of them… I wouldn't be able to smile for anything, or anyone now. Only for Collins. _Baby… Please… Wake up now. I can't see you like this._

I could see Maureen on the other side of the bed. She wasn't crying now, and had calmed down a bit. She didn't go to Life Support though. She didn't hear all of those stories of someone going so quickly. She doesn't know what this could all end like. I don't know either though! I couldn't believe the manners I had dropped, but then again… I'm not here to impress anyone. Wiping a few tears away I'm trying to stay as calm as I can.

There's Mark he's standing behind me and I can feel his hands on my shoulders. He's trying to make me feel better. He was always such a sweetheart, and even though he always felt like he wasn't apart of the memories, would always be. If anything he is at least trying to help me now. I lean back a little trying to tell him it's ok that he's doing that. I'm not going to start snapping at everyone and pushing them away. I can't talk now, and it even hurts to breathe. Everyone's telling me how it's going to be ok, and how nothing bad will come of it. Also that Collins will be able to come home soon. That's a big lie and they know it. Do my friend's honestly believe that is true, and that it is going to comfort me? I'm scared as hell, but not stupid. _Without him… I would die…my baby is the reason I'm living now. If I loose him, there's nothing left._

Joanne, just as quiet as ever. I have never gotten to know her, and that's ok. She's always nice, and her and Maureen may fight sometimes, but that's ok. They're still good for each other. She's trying to comfort Maureen, and that's good. Jo may've not known Collins too well, but she knows him more then enough to be upset.

Mimi and Roger. Those two finally have started treating each other well. It's always in times as desperate as these. When everything's going wrong. She's left the room with Roger for a while. He can't take being in here anymore since both him and Mark have known him for so long. Longer then probably all of us have. I know what they're going through. What time I had with Collins, as a lover should matter.

Mark squeezes my shoulder somewhat tightly suddenly. I was startled and jumped a little. It didn't hurt too badly, but I could feel a small sting. I glance up to him confused and he gestures towards Collins. His eyes had opened, and he now looked awake. I manage a smile, and in a way I was relieved. I could smile for him, and try to make him feel better. It's still hard to talk but I manage.

"I love you honey." I spoke as softly and gently as I could. My voice was strained from crying and screaming so much, but I could see he knows that. It's as though we could communicate in a way that wasn't just speaking. People make think I sound stupid for saying that, but I know it was true. We were meant to be together, and we were not the only ones who knew that. It may sound vein, but I can't care about that now. Collins is feeling a little better. I wish that everyone could be happy and smile for once, if I could watch them like that, then I would feel better.

He can't talk now, and I know he's tired. We will probably have to leave soon, and I'm tired. I know I won't sleep, and I don't want to sleep. But I know it will be the only way it will help me be there for Collins. God damnit. Life really can suck.

-That same night-

Maureen and Joanne went back to their home, and knew they would have much difficulty sleeping. Everyone else had stayed at the loft to sleep. Mimi was sure that she would be the one to have to take care of Angel; that her friend would go to her for comfort. But she was thrown off rather quickly. Her friend had lain out on the couch alone. She was in Roger's room sleeping next to him instead. They just lay there, not holding each other, and not making any contact. The former rocker was too emotionally drained to do anything at this point, and so was Mimi. Plus, they had gotten into a small fight beforehand. Never a good thing.

It had only grown later, and she could hear the creak of floorboards. Someone was getting up from where they were trying to sleep. Mimi assumed it was Angel wanting to come sleep next to her. She heard those soft footsteps drift to Roger's room, but then away from it... off to Mark's room. What could possibly be going on in her friend's hand? If anything she was rather jealous that Angel wouldn't come to her. After all, they had known each other for so long, and why would something like this happen all of a suddenly? It just didn't make sense. Maybe it was just the fact that Angel needed the comfort of the same sex despite her normally fitting in with the girls perfectly fine.

-In Mark's room from his point of view-

It's quiet and just seems like a normal night. How could it be though? _Collins is in the hospital and everyone's a wreck! _Wait, someone's coming. Who could it be? I can hear the steps of someone, and they're coming closer. A soft pressure on my arm from them and then before I know it, the blankets are moved around and I can feel another person get on the old mattress. I can smell lavender perfume; it's strong, now it's a little difficult to breathe. I reach over to them and they only move closer, now I can feel this heaviness on my chest that doesn't ease. I reach over and can feel a somewhat muscular arm, and can hear somewhat soft crying. It's Angel. Borrowing Roger and I's clothes he's out of drag to relax and be more comfortable. Why would he come to me? We're great friends and all. But Mimi knows him so much better then I do. I can feel his warm breathing on my neck and slight hiccupping.

I try to wrap an arm around him to somehow be comforting. But this is getting a little awkward. But this is Angel. He isn't the type to come into this thinking of some different intentions. He's like a child, a scared child. This is a platonic thing, and we both know it. We both just want the comfort of another. I've never been able to do this though… I always watched these things happening, not be apart of them.

But I can't doubt myself. Angel's been there for all of us, and now he needs love. That's the only reason why we have him. Love. That was what we all had taken advantage of.

I feel my shirt getting wet, but I don't mind. He's still crying and just barely calmed down. He was taken from the life he loved so quickly. That isn't easy, and I'm lucky I don't know that pain. I can feel him shaking a little now, and it's probably just because he's sick from all of this emotional shit. I never thought about it before though…

Without Collins there isn't Angel and without Angel there isn't Collins. It just doesn't work. But without our group of friends, not much would be true anymore. If we just pull together, we can get through with this.

"Don't worry… I'm here… Just calm down and try to breathe. You'll be fine Angel."

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